1 Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me; all day long an attacker oppresses me; 2 my enemies trample on me all day long, for many attack me proudly. 3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 4 In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? Psalm 56
I want God to be enough for me. I want to trust Him. But I don’t. And today, a friend told me that (paraphrased) if I’m not trusting God, my perception of Him is off. If I’m not trusting Him, then what I know of Him isn’t accurate. It has haunted my thoughts all day to think I have a misrepresentation of my God, my Healer, my Protector, my Deliverer. I feel so dirty. I feel so ashamed. I have ran my Jesus like an iPhone app, using Him to my convenience and letting Him run in the background until He’s just taking up too much of my energy, so I lay Him to the side until I need Him again and He’s worth the drainage. I’m so selfish. I’m so driven by my flesh and my deceitful wicked heart. I can’t bear the thought of Satan grinning at my insecurity and lack of discipline.
Lately, I have disappointed. I have hurt and I have ignored. I have looked out for my own interest like Paul’s letters have never been glanced upon by my eyes and soaked into my heart. Those words are ETCHED into my memory… “not only looking out for your own interests, consider others more important than yourself…”
What good is head knowledge, brothers and sisters?! It’s VANITY if it isn’t lived out. And my life has been in vain. And I don’t know how to escape it. This is my S.O.S. This is my stress call. This is my surrender. God, please, I’m begging You…. Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me. I am a wretched fool that can do nothing but hide my face in Your presence. God, please, redeem this terrible sinner. I truly, truly, cannot go on like this. My hands are so clean and manicured because I haven’t taken the time to get them dirty for You or Your Kingdom.
Callous my hands. Bruise my knees. Show me what is good and keep me from my flesh.