Until then...

Insecurity.  Loneliness.  Anxiety.  Inadequacy. 

All of these things have been surfacing in my life, and I don’t understand why.  God has been so good to me this semester, as always.  I have had a light load, gotten to know some pretty amazing people, spread the Gospel, grown in my relationship with Him… I have a roommate that loves me so very much, a family that supports me in my ignorant impulsive decisions that always fall through, friends that are there every hour of every day…

Beyond that I have a sustainable car to drive, a roof over my head, food, Netflix, coffee, shoes, clothing, the BCM, clean bathrooms on hand- pretty much everything I could ever need to get through.

So why in the world have I been dealing with— almost tangibly feeling— the spiritual warfare in my heart?  It seems like when God is taking care of me the most, when I feel His presence most- Satan is attacking the hardest.  It makes it so easy to just throw in the towel and be lukewarm.  Some days I wonder if it is even worth it.  Then I remember God’s promises to me:

That He will carry out the work He started (Phil 1:6)

That He works all things together for the good of those who love Him (Rom 8:28)

That the reward in heaven is great. (Matt 5:12)

That He will give us rest when we are weak. (Matt 11:28)

That He is with us. (Isaiah 41:10)

And there are so many more.  Somehow, when I feel like I am not going to make it through the day, or that I cannot face certain people, or that I am doomed to disappoint… When I show up to class unprepared, or my bank account goes in the negative, or I don’t know how I am going to wake up after the late nights… Somehow, I lay my head on my cold pillow, and a smile creeps on my face.  I know that Jesus is my Savior, my Lord, and that this season of stress and loneliness is temporary.  I know that I may be rejected by some, but that He never will.  He will never, ever think I am not good enough.  He loves me: ALL of me.  

This was crazy chaotic and sporadic and random, but I hope it helps someone.  

Your bad day is someone else’s good day: Rejoice in that.

Your good day is someone else’s bad day: Pray for them.

Every day is the Lord’s day, and it is absolutely necessary to celebrate that with every breath you take.

Fight the good fight these next couple of weeks, brothers and sisters.  Summer is right around the corner, and Jesus is on the throne.

bookhaiku:

Consumed by the ring

He dwelled in the dank and dark

Until Baggins came

Perfect.

bookhaiku:

Freedom from a sock

Faithful to the very end

Here lies a free elf

bookhaiku:

Man of great stature

Grand but flawed, in the end he

Wished for more than socks

This is something I have realized in the recent weeks.  I think I know, and then I come to the understanding that I have no idea.  I have always been a control freak, and it drives me insane when I can’t know, but in some aspects of my life, I just can’t.  

I can know what I am going to get at the cafeteria or the coffee shop (assuming they have it) and even what shoes I am going to wear tomorrow, but I can’t know who my future husband is, what my career will be, or what the weather will be like next month.

Lately, I have these expectations built up.  I have desires to have specific relationships with specific people, or I want a specific night or event to go a certain way.  But most of the time, it never happens.  I wanted to go to Boyce, it fell through.  I signed up to go to Spain, Berlin, and Italy: they all fell through.  Most recently, I made the impulsive decision to go to Belmont and finish up there, even though I have less than 30 credit hours left for my undergraduate studies.  And once again, that too is falling through.  I have begun dissecting these situations and asking why they’re happening.  

Why can’t I just go where I want to go or live where I want to live?

Why won’t HE just talk to me when I want him to?

Will I ever find my place in Murray and feel “wanted,” even though I only have a year left?

Why didn’t I get to go to Boyce or Europe? 

All of these questions surface, and all of them have the same trend:

What I want.

And God has shown me lately that nothing in this world is about what I want.  It is about what I need.  

I may want to go to Boyce, but I NEED to be in Murray right now.

I may want to live in Nashville or Louisville right now, but I need to invest in my time in Western Kentucky.

I may want to catch a specific gent’s eye, but God has someone out there that I NEED.  And HE will want to pursue me and fight for me in a way I couldn’t even imagine or dream.

I can find a reason for every single one of these “fallen” plans that I made and see God’s providence in them.  

That trip to Berlin? I ended up going to Jamaica instead, and meeting some of the most incredible people I have ever met. I got to climb a waterfall and spent hours a day with precious little Jamaican kids.

Boyce? I ended up staying in Murray, and finding confidence in myself as an artist.  I set my major in stone and I have been in full-force since.  I went on a spiritual journey that made me realize seminary is not where God wanted me, and my intentions weren’t pure.

I have met SO many new people in my last year or so at Murray.  People I never would have met if I had gone somewhere else.  I have met people in the last MONTH that have already flipped my world upside down.  I see now that I never earnestly prayed for these things, but my gypsy soul was just ready to get out and explore everything.

I don’t want to miss out on the adventure.  But that’s the thing: Life IS the adventure.  It’s impossible to avoid.  I’m following Christ with my whole heart now, and allowing Him to just direct my path.  

Because I don’t know a thing about anything.  
And I have to let go and stop trying to control everything.

I do hope and pray that there is a guy out there that has these same desires, and that maybe our desires and wants can come together, and we can find our need for each other through that.  God has it all planned out.  He’s such a mad scientist.  I love it.

Enough for today.  My brain is about to explode with uncertainty and lack of understanding.  

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow.  You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.”

-James 4:13-15

Until then...: Dare I Say It?

February 14th, 2-14, Single’s Awareness Day… That’s right. Today is THE day. The day of lloovvee. Valentine’s Day.

My entire life I have dreaded today. From the time the cute boy sitting across form me wouldn’t let me borrow his heart cookie cutter in the first grade before the class valentine’s…

It’s that time of year again! I’m sharing this post because it’s amazing to see how far I’ve come in the last few years. It’s also a way to encourage my single friends who dread tomorrow. There are other ways to go about Valentine’s Day that can make you feel better AND glorify God in the process. Win-win!

For the first time in my life, I have a dream.

God has been doing quite a number on me since my return from Myanmar in November.  I hit the ground running, and didn’t really give myself time to think or consider what my next step is going to be in life.  I am on the brink of turning 23 years old, and it is time to make some choices.  College has been fun, and I have learned a lot, but not enough.  You go to college to get a degree and become educated in something, and with the degree I’m currently seeking (Liberal Arts), I feel as though I have learned… well, nothing more than surface values of subjects across the board.  It is great for people who are striving for a multi-disciplinary degree, but I took the easy way out.  I have prerequisites in everything from Criminal Justice to Economics to Chemistry to Sociology… to Anthropology… to Psychology… to English.. to Math.. and, well, you get the point.

So what does this mean?  I could graduate in a year with a degree in the basics.  For the rest of my life, I will stare at that extremely expensive piece of paper framed on my wall and think… why in the world did I do that?  I have been discontent for months, and more recently, I have been begging God for direction.  Last week, He gave me just that.

I changed my minor last minute to Studio Art in hopes of spending my last year as a college student in studios.  I love art, always have, but I have always been too arrogant to be educated in it.  I signed up for a painting class last year in Paducah, and I loved it.  I am currently taking Printmaking and Ceramics, and I have just been elated. 

I’m in my element. I’m with my people. I feel so… at home.  I spend hours in the studio, then go home and sketch. I have been living and breathing visual arts since the semester started.  God has been growing my confidence in who I am as an artist, but at the same time humbling me.  His intricacy really is something to be praised.

Back to my story:  I was joking around with a friend last week about her posts about Nashville.  I have been wanting to get down there for months, and I know that it’s where God wants me post-graduation.  I have an urge to get there, and I have been seeking this Lib Arts degree to hurry up and get going on my life.  So, she made the comment that I should just move there and then I could be a part of their world daily.  I kind of laughed it off, and went on about my day.  

Later that afternoon, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  All I could think was, ‘Why not? I’m heading there anyway, why not look into schools in the area?’ I hopped on my laptop (not literally) and went to Belmont University’s page.  Their art program seemed incredible.  I decided to ask this gal about it more.   I hopped on Facebook, and threw the idea out there, asking if I would even fit in there.

In this process, my heart was stirring.  It felt SO right.  I was thinking ninety to nothing about housing, a job, what it would be like to live there, go to school there, be immersed in the culture of Nashville that I have longed to be a part of for so long… If it was even POSSIBLE.

I texted my cousin, and began asking her questions about housing/jobs/etc because she has lived there for a bit of time.  As I was texting her, my friend from Facebook messaged me and proceeded to tell me that she and her two friends/roommates have been looking for a fourth roommate for months, since October, but every situation has fallen through.  She said she didn’t know how serious I was about moving down there, but if I was, I could live with them.  

My jaw dropped.

I haven’t been asking God specifically for Nashville.  I haven’t even asked Him for a single place or time or anything like that.  All I have asked for is direction.  And He has given me just that.

I know I have said this before, and I have even hesitated writing this post, fearing something is going to go wrong, and I will have to publicly announce all of this has fallen through, but it is time.  I have a dream, and I want you to join me in praying for that dream to be lived out.

I talked to my dad today, and he said something pretty profound:  I don’t want you to spend your life pursuing your dream… I want you to pursue your dream, and live your life in it.

That’s so awesome.  And so true.  And this is me, laying it on the line, realizing I have nothing to lose, and following what could be the first step to the rest of my life.  Is it going to be expensive? Yes.  Is it going to be trying? Yes.  Is it going to be worth it? YES.

So, as I ramble on, I want to tell everyone thank you.  Thank you for believing in me.  Thank you for trusting me to draw and sketch your children’s beautiful faces.  Thank you for allowing me to paint murals on your walls.  Thank you for your encouragement and your faith and support in me.  Without even realizing it, you have made my decision so much more clear.

My dream is to wake up every morning and do art.  God has given me this talent, and I want to bless people with it.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to get there, and this is the first step.  

So, Fam, I am begging you to start praying for me.  Today.  Pray that this process goes smoothly, that God provides every penny needed, and that I am doing nothing less than seeking His kingdom and His glory in all of this.

I love each of you so very much, and I hope that you are as excited as me to see where He takes me.

“But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.  In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

Romans 8: 25-28 NASB

-K

John 9:3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.”

I read this verse and feel chills rush down my spine. My thoughts have been like a pendulum swinging these last few days over the shooting in Connecticut. I have no public opinion on the situation on gun control or bullying in schools or whether or not Obama’s tears were real in his address to the nation. I just can’t find the words to express how my heart is agitated.

But this verse- oh, how this verse gives me peace. Little unnamed babies die every MINUTE around this world of malnutrition and other preventable diseases, and I don’t see memorials in their names, Facebook burning up about water purification and sex trafficking control, or people mourning, advocating, weeping over them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Evil is evil and that’s all there is to it. Good and evil both exist. If something is not of God, it is evil, and the acts that took place Friday were evil. I mourn over the loss of those innocent children, but I mourn at the loss of children every day. Parents find out on a daily basis their children have been taken away from them. These events were tragic, but know that good is going to illuminate so brightly that the bad will one day be destroyed.

Lives are going to be changed through the deaths of Friday morning. Men and women across this nation will awaken from their slumber and rise from the ashes and take a stand against evil.

Whether it be homicide or disease, death is a fate we will all encounter, and it does not discriminate on age. Life is too short to spend deciding on whether guns should be banned or what that shooter’s final thoughts were.

Spend your time LOVING people today. Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them, bake them some cookies- SOMETHING. Be Jesus to those who are helpless. Because those children and teachers did not sin and deserve their sudden deaths, and neither do the diseased orphans in Africa that no one hears about… But each incident, however popular or noteworthy, happened for God to somehow, one day be glorified through it.

We don’t understand His ways this hour, this day, or even in this lifetime. But know our God is One who comes full circle. He will bring it all back to Himself because THAT is why we exist.

I cannot wait for the day I get to meet those brave little warriors who got to celebrate Christmas 2012 with Jesus. I hope I get to hug their necks in eternity.

I love each and every one of you, I mean it. If there is ever a time you need someone to talk to about anything, no matter how acquainted we are or how silly you feel your issues may be, please know I want to hear you. I want to pray for you. I want to love on you like Jesus loves me.

Water Into Wine, video

Okay, so here’s the song that goes with the previous post.